Whats up boys.. Been a while. Now that were 2/3 into the regular season I thought’d itd be a nice time to check in. For a good majority of you, I hope that you realize not even 8 years of playing fantasy football can stop you from being mouth breathing morons. I mean seriously, we’ve watched the same players for 4 months of our lives for 8 straight years and you still can’t figure it out. You know who you are when reading this and I want to seriously take the time out to thank you for allowing the rest of us the opportunity to compete for you hard earned money year in and year out. Tony in these 8 years you could’ve used that money to pay off 0.1% of your student loans, went on vacation, invested in apple, get a new rib, paid somebody to teach you about fantasy football but instead you chose to spend it throwing up 3 ices, making awful 1st round picks, picking us up when we have a down week by letting us look at your lineup and being a punching bag for the rest of us and for that…… I would like to thank you. Now lets take a look at how things are shaking up this year. *Rankings may not reflect espn standings*
- Blazz Lightyear (7-1)
I must say E, I’m impressed. For the first time ever in high school forever you didn’t leave a draft hating your team. I must also say that this is the first draft ever that you did not attend leaving people wondering… did drea draft you team??? We’ve seen it done before with officer dickskin so we may have another offender on our hands. With that being said this team can not be slept with no obvious holes and is a clear front runner this year. I do have a strange feeling that E can’t finish and will be left in fantasy football turmoil after a 2nd round exit in the playoffs.
- Officer Dickskin (6-2)
From former champ to former champ I’m not surprised to see you here pal as we continue to lead the blind. My draft day tactics of yelling ewwwww after all your picks did not pay off this year but I will be hitting the drawing board for you this offseason. As the only Simone with a competent team I applaud you. The big story this year is Nick the only simone that can tie his own shoes? We will find out soon as I think this team makes a title run for a chance to be the only 2x champion in this league. Blue lives matter, dickskin lives matter.
*BREAKING NEWS: kittle broken foot while typing this. Obviously a big hit to this team but this does not change my rankings. This team will continue to ride on the shoulders of derrick henry and kyler murray*
- The Clawwww (6-2)
Another year, another reign of dominance. I mean what more can be said? Year in and year out the clawwww rapes the draft, rapes the trades and rapes the competition. Rumor has it big ben is eyeing early retirement to come join the front office of this organization. I think we can finally label the clawwww as a terroist organization as year in and year out we get the same result. There is just a different standard when you rep the clawwww. Expect a clawwww vs dickskin show down in the championship this year as our first 2x league champ is born.
- Stafford Infection (5-3)
I have this team ranked 4th but really it might as well be 7th because after the big 3 all these teams are dog shit. Congrats on being slightly better than the rest of the bottom feeders robbo. You have davante, dhop and theilin which makes this the most dangerous team you’ve ever had. But dangerous for you is like a carebear in a pillow fight. I know we’ll keep waiting on you. Its just sad that this used to be one of my favorite teams to root for and the front office has just seemed to lose its juice. This once win at all cost organization seems to be content with a playoff spot and I guess for its history who can blame them. At least you’re selling tickets this year robbo, congrats.
The questions also has to be asked.. Is Robby the new glenn? Average team with lowest points against????
- Hold my Wood(s) (3-5)
Do I believe in this organization? Do I think this team is more talented than its record? Am I just continuing to mush the shit out of this team? One may never know the truth behind my lies but this team reminds me of the cowboys of the past and present. Just a scumbag organization that always has talent, always has the what ifs and can always be speculated to make a run if they just get it to click. I know a lot of people have written this team off but I won’t write them off until they are dead. This organization knows what it takes to make a deep playoff push to just get their heart stomped on and I think this year may result in a week 13 win and you’re in situation. I can see this team wheeling and dealing before the trade deadline approaches and things could get interesting. You’re still a bitch for taking saquon.
- O’delli Meatz (5-3)
Goose I wish I had more to say but this team is just plain average. I’ll hold onto the memories of ABs wild ride from a year ago because what a fucking ride that was but this team I mean eh. You’ll beat the bad teams, you’ll lose to the good teams. A definite playoff team but a team I think everybody wants to play in the first round. Average joes.
- Kareem Pies (2-6)
Although I don’t think this team will lock up its beloved 7 seed, I think they have to be mentioned based off pure talent alone. This team had a fake mvp for the 1st 3 weeks, has insane RB depth and just an incompetent front office. Its actually hilarious how much you rip on the jets front office and you are so alike. Just an inability to make big moves and capitalize on a surprisingly talented roster. Please refer to my 1st paragraph as 8 years of doing this has not made you learn a single thing. Now fuck offffff *gordan ramsey voice*
- WHO WANTS SOME CROWDER (3-5)
After getting trade raped twice, trading away its 2 best players for next to nothing I can finally say… I WANT SOME CROWDER. Idk what it is about this team but I want in. Its like when you see maeve blocking the hallway inbetween 4th period.. You just can’t look away. After long consideration I am locking in crowder as my 7 seed. Laugh if you want but this team got rudy written all over it. Really no threat to anybody in the league besides itself I really can’t say enough about this team. This team is awful and I love it.
- Its-a-me-Lamario (4-4)
FRAUD ALERT. This one just hurts. As one of my favorite team names of all time, I was rooting for them like you wouldn’t believe and they have the nerve to start a souless ginger fuck over lamario. Nobody deserves to feel this type of pain. This might be a 1 week overreaction but put this team in the fucking dumpster. This organization will be second guessing every move they make the rest of the year, the fans won’t believe, the players won’t believe them, nobody will believe them. Frauduelent. If I had a bigger vocab id give you a nice synonym for fraud but we can’t do that at this point in time. All I think of when I think of this teams is matty ice and the atlanta falcons, josh allen and the buffalo bills, justin herbert and the chargers, lamar jackson and its-a-me-lamario. Frauds.
- Scammy the Captain (3-5)
You’ve been here before champ. I won’t put any slander on you this year as the reigning champ.. We all get one. Who knows maybe you’ll be the last one laughing as your new revolutionary strategy of rostering 3 QBs, including a backup will pay off. Nobody expected you to go back to back like I don’t expect you to read this. Enjoy the trophy champ.
- Hepatitis D (2-6)
Hepatits.. We meet again old friend. After 8 years I can say you may have learned how to not come in last without trading with me. Although I’m not fully confident in what I just said im kind of rooting for you, also kind of rooting for you to come in last after you did me dirty. This might be the best team you’ve ever had and who knows with corona going around maybe hepatitis sneaks up on us. The one nice thing I can say is at least your consistent.
- James Snorts That White (2-6)
Think its time for a new plug. Back to back years with the worst team name, back to back to back to back to back years with an awful roster. Continued years of not knowing anything about any players besides the best players from 2015. Broooo what do you mean I have melvin gordon, james white and ertz bro. Denying davante adams for michael thomas. Id honestly be surprised if you told me you sit in front of a tv on sundays instead of flexing infront of a mirror at the gym. Get used to this because the 2015 probowl roster is only getting older.